Using Apps to Find a Spouse
By Shabnam Mahmood
July/Aug 2024
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As marriage season — late spring through early fall — commences, guests and friends often wonder how the bride and groom met. Was it an arranged marriage? If so, who arranged it? Did they fall in love in college or elsewhere? Did the parents agree easily?
Finding a spouse is one of life’s most significant decisions. Traditionally, people in many Muslim cultures relied on their parents or family members to arrange their marriage. Some may have found spouses through matchmakers. However, with the advent of technology and globalization, the process of finding a spouse has evolved.
The younger generation has shifted from parent-led searches to more autonomous online spouse searches via such apps as BeyondChai, Salams or the U.K.-based Muzz. Each app is unique in the way it collects data. Muzz, for instance, inquiries about age, gender, location, education and ethnic background, relationship status and religion. It goes one step further by asking about how religious one is: Are you hijabi? Are you a revert? Do you eat halal only? Once all the data is collected, available profiles that may match your criteria are presented for you to filter through manually for free or automatically after paying a subscription fee. Each app offers different features for a fee. While apps may have made meeting people more convenient, they don’t necessarily guarantee a spouse.
A Needle in a Haystack
For some, finding a suitable match is like finding a needle in a haystack. Salima Chaudhry knows this pressure and frustration firsthand as a member of the sandwich generation. After suffering years of abuse, it was hard for her to move forward. The divorced mother of three grown boys, who also takes care of her parents and family, wanted to remarry. She began searching online, only to find horrible experiences. Her parents are extra vigilant, likely for a good cause: so that history doesn’t repeat itself. Thus far, she’s not found a match and is resolved to leaving the decision to God.
However, according to her second son Yusuf, this vigilance could be preventing his mother from remarrying. “I trust her judgment,” he says. “She’s always taking care of everyone else. I want her to take care of herself and be happy. It’s her decision. Divorcees remarry, in Islam. We did it first.”
Yusuf himself has used Salams, Muzz and other apps to search for a spouse and has attended mosque matrimonial (also known as halal speed dating) events, Facebook groups and Discord. While he found Muzz more engaging, he considers Salams more successful because he feels that the algorithm works better. He’s looking for someone who can understand him and is a source of calm — meaning one with a balanced temperament and religious compatibility.
Yusuf experienced what it was like to be on the other side of the table when he arranged a speed-dating event with his cousin. The experience was quite eye-opening for them. Nearly 50 attendees, more women than men, showed up. Lessons learned: Men are afraid to attend such events and there is a stigma attached. The benefit Yusuf sees for himself using apps is that there are no attachments or pressures from friends or family, and while apps offer several options, he prefers to talk to one person at a time.
“You will be surprised when I tell you men do not want to get married,” says Ali Ardekani, founder of Halfourdeen.com. “We are living in a generation where quantity is valued more than quality.” Ardekani converted in his early twenties. His first marriage ended, but he’s grateful for that experience and grew from it. “I didn’t know how to measure piety.” He took his knowledge and began building on that. He saw successes in his career and eventually remarried.
He took those experiences and developed them to help others through Halfourdeen.com, which has the highest success rate of its competitors. As opposed to non-Muslim sites, Muslim marriage sites lack filtering processes, which are imitations of Western apps. Ardekani works with a team to develop a method that addresses all levels of personality and needs/wants.
Carrie Brackin knows about scams. She was on the verge of suicide when she was inspired to convert. She’d gone on online marriage sites and attended speed dating events even before she reverted. “It’s not easy for reverts,” says Brackin. “We feel so alone because we’ve lost our families and friends when we chose Islam.”
She met a Bangladeshi man online through an app and began a long-distance relationship, traveling from Delaware to New York. When she met his family for the first time, they berated her while he stood by quietly. That ended the relationship.
After six months, she was finally able to begin searching again, only to find rejections. Men ghosted her, asking for her citizenship status, to be a second, third, or fourth wife. But mostly they asked if she knew how to clean and cook. “I asked one guy, ‘Do you know how to build a house?’” she related. It seemed she was deemed fit only for a superfluous relationship. Unfortunately, according to Brackin, this is how many divorced, widowed and reverts are seen.
Searching for a spouse online can be traumatic, says Sarah Sultan, a licensed therapist and fellow at Yaqeen Institute. She deals with clients, especially young women, who have suffered repeated rejection and are overwhelmed with the process. Some tell her they wish they had more help from their parents.
Serious searches need to make an emotional investment, and rejection can be traumatic. For women, the struggle is to find men who are invested and proactive to move forward. Sultan says there needs to be a level of seriousness when searching online. It’s very tempting to keep conversations superficial and, hence, easy to dismiss. It’s not like before, when marriage was the central point. Now, it’s idle chit-chat. “People keep it so superficial for so long they don’t know what questions to ask.” Sultan contends that if the person is serious, he/she should have no issues with the critical and tough questions.
With so many options and the ease of swipes, it’s comfortable to dismiss someone who might be a potential candidate. According to Sultan, the main issue is a lack of self-awareness. People aren’t sure what they want and so search aimlessly and end up feeling frustrated. In addition, unrealistic expectations and/or standards can make it hard to find a spouse. No one is perfect, and hoping to find someone who fulfills every criterion is unrealistic.
Success Stories Too
Haleema Syed also knows all too well the challenges of finding a spouse online. She met her first husband online during her early twenties and began living happily ever after — until it ended. After 12 years of marriage and adopting two children, she had to find a way to pick up the pieces of her life. Finally ready to search for another husband, she went through the spectrum of methods: friends, family, marriage websites and matrimonial events. But nothing worked out. She found herself swiping futile profiles, speaking to younger men at matrimonial events in whom she was not interested, or being ghosted.
After making hajj and a push from her sister, Syed finally relented and joined eharmony.com, a mainstream marriage website that also caters to Muslims. The process was lengthy, as opposed to other sites. She went through a series of questionnaires to pinpoint her preferences, wants, needs and deal-breakers. “This was unlike any other Muslim website,” said Syed. In one day, she found a match. As the compatibility rating was 100%, they began speaking and were married within a couple of months. “We are not 100% compatible!” she quips.
Although happily married, their marriage has its challenges. Her husband Javed brought two sons to the marriage. The melding of families hasn’t been effortless. She recommends having the tough conversations beforehand: Talk about finances, kids, exes, co-parenting and meeting the kids.
So, what’s the ideal method of finding a spouse: online apps, matchmaker or family recommendation? The method is as good as the intention. Sultan has the following advice:
• Have positive intentions. Remember, marriage is a covenant to fulfill your deen, eventually raising children in the path of God. Clearly defining your intentions makes it worthwhile to follow the Sunnah, and the good deeds from this act put barakah in your lives both here and in the afterlife.
• Know yourself and be honest. Are you ready for marriage? How do you act or react in certain situations?
• What are you looking for? Reevaluate and know your needs and wants, negotiables and non-negotiables.
• Keep an open mind. Explore options you may have yet to consider.
• Involve families early on. Having healthy family relationships makes the process more sound. Educate yourselves Islamically about the rights and responsibilities of marriage.
• Have faith in the Almighty that your path is the best one chosen for you by the best of planners.
Shabnam Mahmood is a writer and educational consultant in Chicago.
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