A Personality Disorder That Destroys Families and Relationships
By Areena Ali Memon
Mar/Apr 2024
“There was no me left — just him and his needs. The viler things he said, the more I tried to prove my love and worth…Verbally and emotionally, he used gaslighting and love bombing. I felt consumed in every aspect of my being. He gave the silent treatment like a star, and I would try to jolt him out of dark moods, taking responsibility for everything and apologizing just to stop the fights.”
This is just one survivor’s insight from Shahida Arabi’s “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” (SCW Archer Publishing, 2016). The term narcissism is being thrown around a lot lately. This is because lay people without any clinical background are diagnosing others as having narcissistic personality disorders (NPD). However, just like passing other judgments, we should be cautious before attaching potentially damaging labels.
In his “Vocabulary of a Narcissist” (Sept. 2022) khutba, Shaykh Omar Suleiman said that “The Quran calls upon us to be very introspective. Even in the story of Fir‘aun, instead of thinking about pharaohs of the world as they exist today, actually ask yourself, ‘Do I have some of the traits of Fir‘aun?’”
Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism
This term originates from Greek mythology, according to which a handsome young man named Narcissus fell in love with his image reflected in a pool of water. He spent hours gazing at the image and admiring himself. It’s a personality trait that, just like anger, we all possess. While most people see it in a negative light, there is also a healthy version of narcissism that looks like better self-esteem.
“Healthy narcissism is the middle path between arrogant narcissism and being a doormat,” said Haleh Banani (MA, University of Houston; founder, The Mindful Hearts Academy) who also offers faith-based counseling. “One extreme is all about themselves with no regard to other people and how they are impacted. The other end of the spectrum is total disregard for themselves, where a people pleaser would do anything for anyone at any time without caring about how it impacts them.”
Healthy narcissism is having self-esteem and assertiveness without stepping on others. That’s the middle path toward which Islam calls us. She also explained how people use the concept of eethaar (sacrifice) to justify being a people pleaser, although they usually act out of frustration because they cannot say “No.”
Unhealthy narcissism, however, can turn into a full-blown personality disorder. “Someone may have some traits and not others. It’s not an all or nothing scenario,” writes Arabi. “The root problems are ‘excessive admiration of themselves’ and that ‘the world revolves around them.’” Therefore, it’s better to say that someone has narcissistic traits or is a narcissist and leave the diagnosis to a licensed and trained clinician.
Dr. Fahad Khan (MS, MA, PsyD), a licensed clinical psychologist and deputy director at Khalil Center in Lombard, Ill., stated, “People need to realize that when marriage gets difficult, you are bound to not like your spouse. If you go online and look stuff up, you’ll find one or more symptoms of some psychological disorder in your partner or in-laws. We must not let this blessing of access to information become a curse for ourselves and our relationships.”
Assumptions About Narcissists
Narcissism is not gender biased. Women often complain that their husbands are narcissists, usually because they generally share more about their personal and relationship problems. That doesn’t mean that only men can be narcissists. While genetics can be one factor, another one can be a traumatic childhood or overindulgence.
Another incorrect assumption is that religious men are more narcissistic and can abuse women by playing the “qawwam card,” (Quran 4:34,) which some translators have interpreted as a husband being allowed to strike his wife in specific circumstances. However, we cannot generalize this to include all religious men.
“And how do we really measure who is more religious,” asked Khan. “Do we judge based on their clothing or which row they stand in the masjid? Religiosity could be measured by taqwa, and that’s something only Allah knows.”
Relationship With a Narcissist
Close relationships with narcissists can be very painful — from wanting to seek an emotional connection with them to wondering if they even love you, from begging them to understand your side to realizing that they may not even really care. While a couple can divorce, Islamic principles state that no family member can be cut off completely.
“Be patient and set healthy boundaries. Model healthy behaviors and make du‘a for them, because our belief is that Allah can heal any sickness and disorder,” said Khan. “Individuals with unhealthy narcissism or the personality disorder who seek professional support can heal over time, God willing.”
Anyone married to a narcissist faces a huge dilemma: divorce or staying in a marriage in which they have invested years and have children. Barring abuse, if your partner is willing to seek professional help, it may be worth giving it another chance.
Picking a Spouse
With so many cases of narcissistic abuse, young Muslims today are very anxious about getting married. Narcissism is hard to gauge in a few meetings, as many Muslims do not date. It basically boils down to asking others and trying to observe behaviors. Banani suggested meeting in different settings, perhaps in an escape room or other places with a group and see how the prospective spouse fares under pressure. Focus on behavior, not words.
Khan pointed out a common problem: either young Muslims let their parents choose a spouse, and thereby neither interact with him/her nor examine their true gut feelings before the wedding. Or on the other extreme, they get too emotionally involved prior to anything being finalized and even ignore their rationality and logic.
While getting to know one another, note if they start swearing in stressful situations and how many times you have to change your schedule to suit their needs. Arrange for plenty of time between meetings so you can process the experience. Keep some close people involved and updated, as they may be able to point out things you didn’t notice.
In the end, you can never really be sure. Some people can hide their narcissistic traits very well or may not even be aware of them. After doing your homework, augment your decisions with du‘a, istikhara, and trusting God.
The Community’s Role
While narcissistic abuse often happens behind closed doors, the community can be there for those suffering via educating people and creating mosque-based support systems.
Education is important because those suffering in silence may find the strength to reach out, these traits might be nipped in the bud and it can reduce blaming the victim for something beyond his/her control. Such statements as “You must have done something to trigger his/her anger.” “Did you try working it out?” or “Didn’t you know about his anger issues before marriage?” only re-traumatize the victim.
Creating such systems can help build relationships that can handle serious discussions and create safe spaces for meaningful dialog.
Do Not Despair
In a beautifully articulated paragraph in The Muslim Narcissist (2021), Mona Alyereessy writes, “The Arabic word for delay is ta’kheer and the word for goodness is khair. Both share the three root letters kha, yaa and raa. I find it beautiful, as God has placed so much goodness in every delay to express His Divine Love and Mercy for us. So, no matter how long you take to heal, how many obstacles you experience, how many injuries and hardships you have endured, how many doors have closed and how long you’ve patiently waited for your rizq — don’t lose hope; God promises that what’s good for you is on its way.”
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
- Healing starts with accepting that it wasn’t your fault. This is crucial, as abusers use gaslighting and manipulation to gradually instill the seed of guilt in their victim’s mind.
- Forgive yourself for choosing him/her as a partner or staying in the marriage. Give yourself grace, for you did the best you could. At the end it was all meant to be, which is our belief in divine decree. Remember, God doesn’t burden a soul with more than what it can bear (2:286).
- Don’t wait for an apology, for that can come only if and when he/she admits the abuse — a highly unlikely event. Forgive them for God’s sake and rid your heart of any grudges so you can heal and move on.
- Set boundaries if you still must interact with the narcissist as a co-parent or family member. It can be challenging, but necessary. As these people feel a sense of entitlement and may see others as a threat, they will react to this preventative strategy. Banani suggests using “I” instead of “you.” Try saying, “I feel this way” as opposed to “you did this.”
- Improve your relationship with God through prayer, du‘a and the Quran.
- Form new healthy relationships or reconnect with old ones and make them your consistent support system. Be very selective about who you let into your inner circle.
- Work on your self-esteem, which is something the narcissist tries to shatter, and regain your inner strength.
- Work on your appearance. Often, we feel better when we look better.
- Learn from your experience. “No matter how difficult the experience is, there’s always a valuable lesson to learn from it,” said Alyereessy.
- Choose your therapist carefully, as not all of them are informed about this specific kind of trauma, and don’t hesitate to find a new one if he/she cannot help you.
- Envision yourself a few years down the road achieving all that you have ever wanted in life. Make a du‘a list and start asking God, keeping in mind His majesty and not your weakness.
Areena Ali Memon juggles various roles including homeschooling, blogging, YouTubing, freelance writing, photography and managing an Islamic bookstore while pursuing a bachelor’s degree in education from the Islamic Online University.
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