By Sabnam Mahmood

Finding a spouse is one of life’s most significant decisions. With the advent of technology and globalization, this process has also evolved. While the mere mention of arranged marriages may offend Western sensibilities, Muslims have traditionally relied on someone trustworthy, like parents, extended family, or community members to help them in this quest. 

Unfortunately, forced marriages have given this practice a negative connotation. But such marriages aren’t permitted, for Islam invalidates any nikah that has only one party’s voluntary consent. 

In many cultures, arranged marriages are a significant part of the heritage – often meant to protect family wealth. This doesn’t mean the individual has no rights or say. In fact, involving others increases the probability of finding relevant information and helps verify the prospective person’s character. 

The criteria for selecting a spouse may include profession, age, socioeconomic status, and family background. Islam prioritizes religious commitment and moral integrity in this search; however, religion is often the last item on the list. 

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari (founder and chief-Mufti, Darul Ifta, Leicester, U.K.; teacher at Jamiah Uloom-ul-Quran Leicester) points out, “Islamically, marriage negotiations can be initiated, or marriage can be proposed by either of the two parties. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with a daughter (or son) suggesting a suitable and righteous person to the parents, provided it is done with decorum and observance of Islamic guidelines.”

“Well, in my case, I didn’t even know my parents had chosen a bride for me until my father told me about my upcoming marriage,” says retired teacher Ahmed Khan. “I met my wife [Sakina] the day of my wedding. I was the oldest of seven siblings working in my uncle’s shop while attending school. It was a different world back then. We didn’t question our parents because it just wasn’t done.”

Khan, married for 54 years and raised five children with his wife, chuckles as he recalls how his relationship with his wife has evolved. “It was about six months before I could tell her I liked two spoons of sugar in my tea, and she told me she liked one. But we were teenagers and grew up together. She has made me very happy. I pray I’ve done the same for her.”

The 72-year-old grandfather of nine has witnessed significant changes. “Nowadays, there’s more communication with children. Some of my grandchildren have had arranged marriages, and some selected their own spouses. I feel, however, that these modern methods with websites lack human connection, and may make it easier to have a fake identity or details. Our job as parents is to guide our children according to our deen and the world we live in. The rest is up to Allah.” 

Traditional Methods vs. Modern Expectations

Future spouses can also meet during weddings and other communal events. This approach allows finding someone within the same cultural background, which can be important for living according to shared values. 

For example, Turkish families pay close attention to the görücü – when a family visits another family to find out if the latter’s daughter will marry their son, the former observes the ceremony of being served coffee. The potential bride will serve salty, spicy, or extra-sweet coffee to test the intending groom’s manners and let him know that marriage isn’t always sweet. If he can drink the salty coffee without showing displeasure, he’s believed to have a good temperament. 

In Arab cultures, during the tulba ceremony the groom and his family visit the bride’s family to ask for her hand. If agreed upon, the parents read from the Quran and begin wedding preparations. 

For Urooj Hussain, her daughter’s proposal came when the groom’s mother saw her at a family event. While her daughter was still in college, she married with the certainty that she would continue her education. She, too, is a little skeptical about finding spouses through apps, for “These methods can be convenient, but overwhelming. Endless swiping and the idea of speed dating can feel more like a job hunt than a search for a life partner.” However, she also acknowledged that in contrast to the older generations, Gen Z is more open-minded and welcoming to other cultures. 

And then there are the rishta aunties (matchmakers). Matchmaker Momina Mahboob says she has played a crucial role in preserving religious and cultural values. Clients fill out a contact form, which helps her suggest matches. She agrees that parents set very specific criteria that make it difficult for their children. During her 25-year career, Mahboob has noted, “Before, people looked for a good person with future goals, but now there is no khuloos (sincerity). People didn’t shop around this much before.” 

Admitting her unfamiliarity with other ethnicities and schools of thought, and contending that marriage is a sacred trust, she deals only with Indian or Pakistani Hanafis. She adds, “I can’t play with someone’s future, so I will stick to what I know.” Her experiences as a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law keep her grounded. “Everything seems like a fairytale before marriage. Afterward, people realize life has ups and downs.” She’s optimistic for the younger generation – if parents keep their expectations reasonable.

Sameer Khan, a community counselor, agrees that parental pressures are a significant issue. Parents, he says, have certain and often difficult expectations. Having children from previous marriages can also be challenging. When pursuing a potential bride, the lady told him she would agree only if her children approved of him. “She wasn’t looking for a husband; she was looking for a father. I can’t take their father’s place.” 

Khan says social media plays a massive role in marriage trends. “People look at influencers making good money or people having these lavish lifestyles and decide I want that.” he adds, “I have clients who want the boy to have everything [right] now that took the girl’s father 30 years to achieve. It’s unrealistic.” Parents are putting children under undue pressure, making it hard for them to find good prospects. He believes his male clients have the disadvantage of meeting these impossible criteria.

Matrimonial Events

Some youth today opt for halal speed-dating – matrimonial events held by the community. ISNA hosts a large matrimonial event at its annual convention and smaller ones with regional and educational conferences too. 

“While it takes significant courage to attend these conferences, leaving one feeling vulnerable, we usually have a great turnout of more than 500 registrations,” said Tabasum Ahmad (team manager for conventions and conferences, ISNA). “Attendees are looking for that ‘click,’ that compatibility. They should set a realistic limit of people to choose from and pick the best candidate.” 

Ahmad suggests that parents should know their children’s criteria and act accordingly. ISNA, which just provides the platform to connect, doesn’t collect information about how many marriages result from these events. 

Premarital Counseling

Fatima Azfar, who grew up actively participating in the masjid and community with her family, confidently discussed the marriage proposals she received with her parents. However, she admits saying “No” did make her feel some guilt, although she never felt pressured by her parents. Later, her current mother-in-law met her aunt through a community organization. The families set the initial meeting. Initially, her parents rejected the proposal after seeing lifestyle differences: she was raised in the U.S., and he in Pakistan. But as the discussions progressed, more commonality appeared. 

Fatima met her husband with their families several times before getting engaged. As the wedding approached, her mother suggested pre-marital counseling. It seemed to answer some uncertainties. After filling out forms for ICNA Relief Family Services Counseling Services, Sheikh Omar Haqqani of the Islamic Center of Wheaton in Wheaton, Ill. arranged a session that highlighted the obstacle-creating issues and brought them closer together. They marries a month later and they have now been together for three years. 

Premarital counseling should be more widespread in the community, for it can help strike a balance among religion, secular life, and cultures as well as help couples understand each other’s expectations for children, money, and careers – all under the guidance of experts.

Muniba Hussain was never inclined to date, for she knew she wanted to get married, preferably after college. However, she received a good proposal much earlier. Initially, the conversations were only between the adults because her mother wanted to shield her. 

Challenges arose after the engagement. Upon her mother’s suggestion, they attended pre-marital counseling a few months before the wedding, during which they discussed the issues. Doing so gave them the tools to nurture and grow their relationship positively. Premarital counseling, she says, is a new phenomenon in her generation, but is definitely worth a shot. 

During her engagement, Muniba felt she couldn’t connect with her fiancé, as he wasn’t her mahram. At 20, with a little more skill and maturity, Muniba had her nikah, after which the couple spent quality time together and bonded. 

As the variables of marriage are diverse, it’s essential to understand that both parties’ intentions should align with Islamic principles and that the potential bride and groom be aware of their true motivations for getting married. Remember: It’s okay to seek assistance and have a trustworthy individual help you sort out prospects.

Shabnam Mahmood is an educational consultant.

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