By Tayyaba Syed

Nov/Dec 2024

January 2025 marks a special milestone: 40 years since Shaykha Tamara Gray accepted Islam. Dr. Gray, EdD is the founder, executive director, and chief spiritual officer at Rabata. Spending time reflecting as the big day approaches, she feels that it’ll be a full-circle moment for her. As a new Muslim in the mid-1980s, she searched and yearned for ways to learn about Islam. 

“To be a Muslim woman at that time was a frustrating experience,” recalls Gray, who grew up in Minnesota and returned there in 2012, after her studies and work in Damascus, Syria. “In the ’80s, we didn’t have access to learning. The books written about Islam or Muslim women used English that was riddled with rough language and mistranslations, or the tone was derogatory. Going to the mosque was frustrating too. You didn’t feel like part of the community. Converts really struggle with culture, and I experienced that in those early years.” 

She remembers the day very clearly, standing at the corner of Grand and Snelling Avenues in St. Paul and pleading with God to send her the people and community she needed to both sustain and grow her faith. She didn’t know how much longer she could do this on her own. 

Moving to Syria

Her supplication was answered shortly thereafter – she met a woman who had studied in Syria and was willing to teach her. In one week, she had scripted 100+ pages of notes on Islamic subjects like fiqh, sirah, and tazkiya (purification of the soul). This inspired her to pursue further studies in Syria under the tutelage of more women like her first teacher.

“I met women there who had memorized the Quran, mastered the ten qiraat (methods of recitation), received certification in the books of hadith and were serious yet joyful about their faith,” she shares. 

“They had deep daily worship, were continuous learners who taught what they learned to their communities, held professional titles/careers, and simultaneously had a healthy family life. People we would call [them] ‘superwomen,’ but they are embodying the example of the Companions … 

“This is the true culture of Islam, and I am grateful to have met them and witnessed what we can be for Allah in this life. Yes, we can stretch ourselves with the abilities and blessings Allah has given us. My initial intent was to save my faith and not lose it; it quickly changed to wanting to share it with whomever I could.”

Over the next few decades, Gray did just that by advancing in her Islamic and secular studies and excelling professionally. She holds a doctorate in leadership (University of St. Thomas, ’19), a master’s degree in curriculum theory and instruction (Temple University, ’91), and has spent 20 years studying traditional and classical Islamic sciences, Quran, and Arabic in Damascus. She also worked in education for 25 years before moving into the nonprofit world.

In 2012, Gray took a temporary leave from her job and returned to the U.S. with the intention of only being away for five months (from the civil war). While she was here, some of her students arranged a tour for her to meet with North American Muslim women. In one month, she gave almost 70 talks and met hundreds of them. However, she noticed something concerning: Many of them were facing great struggles, especially with faith.

“It was like nothing had changed in the 20 years I was away,” Gray notes. “These women wanted to go to jannah but were dealing with bitterness and ignorance on how to practice their faith.”

Rabata is Born

That fall, she offered a pilot course on the Companions. Over 150 women registered for this life-changing online class. This quickly led to the inception of Rabata’s educational program Ribaat, which now offers 125 courses with 2,000+ students per semester worldwide. Rabata’s mission is to create positive cultural change through creative educational experiences for women, teenaged girls, and children. 

“It is women who carry forth culture, and a lot of what we do and offer at Rabata is what I needed when I started on this path to Allah,” says Gray. “When I came back to the U.S., I met so many women (nonverts and converts) with that same need. Rabata may just be the result of someone’s answered du‘a like Damascus was for me. I wanted to bring what I gained there and share it with women here through Rabata: give it forth and give it out. 

“As I have been doing final assessments with our most recent graduates [41 to date], they keep sharing how grateful they are. When we say we are trying to ‘create positive cultural change,’ that penetrates women’s personal lives through confidence in their faith. They tell me thanks to Rabata, they are working differently in their communities now and raising their families better.”

Gray believes that when you are a Muslim woman, you’re not talking about Islam, but living a Muslim life. According to her, we should be magnets for people to come to Allah and bring goodness wherever we are, which requires us to be intentional in everything we do and have an akhira perspective.

In June 2023, Rabata received the two-year Healthy Connections and Social Impact grant from the Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota Foundation. This opportunity provides Rabata the support to curate intergenerational programming for the state’s Muslim women to be connected to one another to reduce social isolation and, in turn, lead healthier lives. 

“We had to think outside the box,” she shares, “and get even more creative in bringing about this positive cultural change.” Rabata has organized sports and physical activities like boxing, skiing, golf, Pilates, and yoga in a safe and healthy communal environment. The yoga classes even drew an intergenerational group of women and girls to Rabata’s headquarters and cultural center (RCC) in Arden Hills, Minn., every week.

They also initiated a financial literacy program, as many local Muslim women expressed interest in learning how to manage finances compatible with their unique lifestyles and cultural choices. Rabata helped address their feelings of being alone and uninformed regarding money matters.

Not only are women bettering themselves through such educational experiences, but they are also finding community in-person and online. Rabata provided a virtual learning and spiritual platform many years before Covid-19 hit. However, during the pandemic they opened Masjid Rabata for women to gather online to worship and be together in a safe, digital space. In 2023 alone, this online masjid held 200+ gatherings; 21,000+ attendees globally throughout the year. 

“Living in Syria meant I was not online,” says Gray. “Therefore, I am not a digital native but a digital immigrant. Online teaching was so new to me, but I believed in the idea that being together virtually is still within ‘Allah’s space,’ where we can exchange knowledge, emotions, and our state of being. It is not the same as watching a video, but [is] actually ‘sitting together’ even if we are physically apart. Digital time is real time, through which we can still bring real benefit and value to our lives.”

Considering this, Gray is the resident scholar for the Ribaat Academic Institute, teaching multiple classes online and in-person. Aside from Rabata, she is also a faculty member at The Islamic Seminary of America, serves on the board of the Fiqh Council of North America, writes academic articles as a senior fellow at the Yaqeen Institute, and has authored her award-winning book “Joy Jots” (Daybreak Press, 2014) — a collection of 52 weekly essays that take the reader through a year of seasons. She has also helped translate the late Syrian scholar Dr. Samira al-Zayid’s “A Compendium of the Sources on the Prophetic Narrative” (Daybreak Press, 2018). 

Balancing it All

Among the pushbacks she has received since moving back to the U.S. is that she is “doing too much.” Aside from diligently doing the work of deen, she is married: three adult children, two grandchildren, and nearby parents and siblings. When asked how she balances everything, she mentions that it’s more about continuously recentering ourselves around God rather than trying to balance it all.

“Every week I ask myself what the big goals are that I want to reach this week,” she shares. “What am I working towards? It’s not just thinking about work but my whole life. How am I making time for my family? I like to be at my granddaughter’s soccer games and will move my schedule around if need be. It is all about improving relationships, continuing to grow and developing ourselves for Allah.”

In an era where Muslim women struggle to be recognized for their scholarship, qualifications, and seniority in Muslim spaces, it’s refreshing to find Shaykha Tamara Gray is remaining steadfast in her vision of creating a rising tide of female Muslim scholars, teachers, and community stewards in every digital and local neighborhood in the world. 

Tayyaba Syed is a multiple award-winning author, journalist, and Islamic studies teacher. She conducts literary and faith-based presentations for all ages, serves on Rabata’s board of directors, and is an elected member of her local school district’s board of education in Illinois, where she lives with her husband and three children.

The post Shaykha Tamara Gray Talks 40 Years of Being Muslim appeared first on Islamic Horizons.

By Sabnam Mahmood

Finding a spouse is one of life’s most significant decisions. With the advent of technology and globalization, this process has also evolved. While the mere mention of arranged marriages may offend Western sensibilities, Muslims have traditionally relied on someone trustworthy, like parents, extended family, or community members to help them in this quest. 

Unfortunately, forced marriages have given this practice a negative connotation. But such marriages aren’t permitted, for Islam invalidates any nikah that has only one party’s voluntary consent. 

In many cultures, arranged marriages are a significant part of the heritage – often meant to protect family wealth. This doesn’t mean the individual has no rights or say. In fact, involving others increases the probability of finding relevant information and helps verify the prospective person’s character. 

The criteria for selecting a spouse may include profession, age, socioeconomic status, and family background. Islam prioritizes religious commitment and moral integrity in this search; however, religion is often the last item on the list. 

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari (founder and chief-Mufti, Darul Ifta, Leicester, U.K.; teacher at Jamiah Uloom-ul-Quran Leicester) points out, “Islamically, marriage negotiations can be initiated, or marriage can be proposed by either of the two parties. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with a daughter (or son) suggesting a suitable and righteous person to the parents, provided it is done with decorum and observance of Islamic guidelines.”

“Well, in my case, I didn’t even know my parents had chosen a bride for me until my father told me about my upcoming marriage,” says retired teacher Ahmed Khan. “I met my wife [Sakina] the day of my wedding. I was the oldest of seven siblings working in my uncle’s shop while attending school. It was a different world back then. We didn’t question our parents because it just wasn’t done.”

Khan, married for 54 years and raised five children with his wife, chuckles as he recalls how his relationship with his wife has evolved. “It was about six months before I could tell her I liked two spoons of sugar in my tea, and she told me she liked one. But we were teenagers and grew up together. She has made me very happy. I pray I’ve done the same for her.”

The 72-year-old grandfather of nine has witnessed significant changes. “Nowadays, there’s more communication with children. Some of my grandchildren have had arranged marriages, and some selected their own spouses. I feel, however, that these modern methods with websites lack human connection, and may make it easier to have a fake identity or details. Our job as parents is to guide our children according to our deen and the world we live in. The rest is up to Allah.” 

Traditional Methods vs. Modern Expectations

Future spouses can also meet during weddings and other communal events. This approach allows finding someone within the same cultural background, which can be important for living according to shared values. 

For example, Turkish families pay close attention to the görücü – when a family visits another family to find out if the latter’s daughter will marry their son, the former observes the ceremony of being served coffee. The potential bride will serve salty, spicy, or extra-sweet coffee to test the intending groom’s manners and let him know that marriage isn’t always sweet. If he can drink the salty coffee without showing displeasure, he’s believed to have a good temperament. 

In Arab cultures, during the tulba ceremony the groom and his family visit the bride’s family to ask for her hand. If agreed upon, the parents read from the Quran and begin wedding preparations. 

For Urooj Hussain, her daughter’s proposal came when the groom’s mother saw her at a family event. While her daughter was still in college, she married with the certainty that she would continue her education. She, too, is a little skeptical about finding spouses through apps, for “These methods can be convenient, but overwhelming. Endless swiping and the idea of speed dating can feel more like a job hunt than a search for a life partner.” However, she also acknowledged that in contrast to the older generations, Gen Z is more open-minded and welcoming to other cultures. 

And then there are the rishta aunties (matchmakers). Matchmaker Momina Mahboob says she has played a crucial role in preserving religious and cultural values. Clients fill out a contact form, which helps her suggest matches. She agrees that parents set very specific criteria that make it difficult for their children. During her 25-year career, Mahboob has noted, “Before, people looked for a good person with future goals, but now there is no khuloos (sincerity). People didn’t shop around this much before.” 

Admitting her unfamiliarity with other ethnicities and schools of thought, and contending that marriage is a sacred trust, she deals only with Indian or Pakistani Hanafis. She adds, “I can’t play with someone’s future, so I will stick to what I know.” Her experiences as a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law keep her grounded. “Everything seems like a fairytale before marriage. Afterward, people realize life has ups and downs.” She’s optimistic for the younger generation – if parents keep their expectations reasonable.

Sameer Khan, a community counselor, agrees that parental pressures are a significant issue. Parents, he says, have certain and often difficult expectations. Having children from previous marriages can also be challenging. When pursuing a potential bride, the lady told him she would agree only if her children approved of him. “She wasn’t looking for a husband; she was looking for a father. I can’t take their father’s place.” 

Khan says social media plays a massive role in marriage trends. “People look at influencers making good money or people having these lavish lifestyles and decide I want that.” he adds, “I have clients who want the boy to have everything [right] now that took the girl’s father 30 years to achieve. It’s unrealistic.” Parents are putting children under undue pressure, making it hard for them to find good prospects. He believes his male clients have the disadvantage of meeting these impossible criteria.

Matrimonial Events

Some youth today opt for halal speed-dating – matrimonial events held by the community. ISNA hosts a large matrimonial event at its annual convention and smaller ones with regional and educational conferences too. 

“While it takes significant courage to attend these conferences, leaving one feeling vulnerable, we usually have a great turnout of more than 500 registrations,” said Tabasum Ahmad (team manager for conventions and conferences, ISNA). “Attendees are looking for that ‘click,’ that compatibility. They should set a realistic limit of people to choose from and pick the best candidate.” 

Ahmad suggests that parents should know their children’s criteria and act accordingly. ISNA, which just provides the platform to connect, doesn’t collect information about how many marriages result from these events. 

Premarital Counseling

Fatima Azfar, who grew up actively participating in the masjid and community with her family, confidently discussed the marriage proposals she received with her parents. However, she admits saying “No” did make her feel some guilt, although she never felt pressured by her parents. Later, her current mother-in-law met her aunt through a community organization. The families set the initial meeting. Initially, her parents rejected the proposal after seeing lifestyle differences: she was raised in the U.S., and he in Pakistan. But as the discussions progressed, more commonality appeared. 

Fatima met her husband with their families several times before getting engaged. As the wedding approached, her mother suggested pre-marital counseling. It seemed to answer some uncertainties. After filling out forms for ICNA Relief Family Services Counseling Services, Sheikh Omar Haqqani of the Islamic Center of Wheaton in Wheaton, Ill. arranged a session that highlighted the obstacle-creating issues and brought them closer together. They marries a month later and they have now been together for three years. 

Premarital counseling should be more widespread in the community, for it can help strike a balance among religion, secular life, and cultures as well as help couples understand each other’s expectations for children, money, and careers – all under the guidance of experts.

Muniba Hussain was never inclined to date, for she knew she wanted to get married, preferably after college. However, she received a good proposal much earlier. Initially, the conversations were only between the adults because her mother wanted to shield her. 

Challenges arose after the engagement. Upon her mother’s suggestion, they attended pre-marital counseling a few months before the wedding, during which they discussed the issues. Doing so gave them the tools to nurture and grow their relationship positively. Premarital counseling, she says, is a new phenomenon in her generation, but is definitely worth a shot. 

During her engagement, Muniba felt she couldn’t connect with her fiancé, as he wasn’t her mahram. At 20, with a little more skill and maturity, Muniba had her nikah, after which the couple spent quality time together and bonded. 

As the variables of marriage are diverse, it’s essential to understand that both parties’ intentions should align with Islamic principles and that the potential bride and groom be aware of their true motivations for getting married. Remember: It’s okay to seek assistance and have a trustworthy individual help you sort out prospects.

Shabnam Mahmood is an educational consultant.

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