By Amal Omer

May/Jun 2024

“Something has to change,” recalls Isra Hashmi telling her husband as she lay in an emergency room hospital bed. 

Hashmi, who had gone to the doctor that morning with heart palpitations and shortness of breath, was sent to the emergency room after an electrocardiogram showed she was having an arrhythmia. 

At the time, Hashmi was the director of a medical clinic at Boston’s Massachusetts General Hospital. The exhaustion and burnout from being a working mother of three in a demanding role had caught up with her. 

“It was this proverbial hamster wheel. We were running so fast,” says Hashmi. “We had very little children at the time. My eldest was 11, and we had two little ones.” 

On a typical day, she woke up by 5 a.m. to be on the train by 6 a.m. to meet her first patient by 7 a.m. Her husband, Fahd would get the children to school before his commute into the city. Hashmi would finish work at 3 p.m. and get back on the train to pick up the children from school, with her husband returning later in the evening.

“[That] lifestyle is not conducive to a family and to nurturing young children…that’s how it started, that was the breaking point,” says Hashmi. 

Initially, Hashmi made a change by stepping back from the director role but continued to work at the clinic. Although she says that helped, her hours were the same. 

“My husband was gone all day. I was gone all day. I didn’t feel like I was being present with the kids,” says Hashmi. “The weekends were all just grocery shopping, cleaning, chores. It was not just a lazy Sunday. There was a lot to do before we started [another week].” 

One night after putting the children to bed, Hashmi and Fahd — the couple would typically get an hour together before she went to bed — were watching her favorite Home and Garden Television (HGTV) show, “House Hunters International.” The show chronicles people looking for homes abroad.

Hashmi describes the program as a “dreamy show” that evokes thoughts of picking up and leaving to live somewhere beautiful or go live on a quiet farm with chickens. As Hashmi’s husband sat next to her, still working on his laptop, she suddenly said, “‘Let’s move to Spain.’ For some reason that country popped into my head.” 

Let’s Do It

Hashmi says Fahd didn’t even look up or flinch. He just replied, “Let’s do it.”

She was stumped by his nonreaction, wondering if he’d really heard her. 

But he was just as serious as her. Hashmi says the seed had been planted six months ago when she landed in the hospital. 

“Allah inspires all thoughts,” she remarks, explaining how she didn’t question the idea for a second. The motivation to move also came from Fahd, who felt he had missed their son’s childhood as he saw his high school years approaching. 

She advises those wanting to make a change, “Don’t tell anyone, because they will project their fears on you.” For Hashmi, all that mattered was that her husband was open to exploring the idea because “it’s me and him together.” 

While researching and planning, she realized she could take a year sabbatical and Fahd, who is an engineer, could work remotely. The decision was between Turkey and Spain. Turkey was an obvious choice for Islamic reasons, but they felt the language would be a barrier. With their son already learning Spanish and it being a second language in the U.S., they felt Spain would benefit their children.

Hashmi says Spain’s rich Islamic history is overlooked. She wanted a different experience with the kids, one that they wouldn’t typically associate with Islam.

“I guess my health was an inspiration for going, but the kids were most definitely the reason we picked what we did,” says Hashmi. “I [felt] I could go anywhere. I just [needed] a break. But for them, it was important that I give more than just going to the Caribbean. I wanted it to be a very enriching experience.”

Two months before leaving, Fahd and Hashmi broke the news to their children. Thankfully, they were excited. Hashmi says the children have traveled for long periods since they were babies, including spending months in Egypt visiting family. She feels their experience with travel contributed to their positiveness about moving. 

From Boston, the family worked with a broker to find a home in Granada, Spain. The agent featured them on her website to show how she can help families looking for homes abroad, which led them to being discovered by HGTV.

The Faith Connection

The family was then featured in a “House Hunters International” episode that documented their search for a new home in Granada. The couple informed the producers that their story should show that their faith was the driver in their decision to move. It was important to Hashmi that her story be relatable to Muslims. The couple was intentional in consistently bringing up Islam during the filming. 

While filming in Alhambra, the crew asked her son to read Arabic calligraphy on camera. That scene put Hashmi’s heart at ease, showing her that the crew understood what was important to her and Fahd in sharing their story. 

By August 2019, the family had landed in Granada, which has a vibrant Muslim community. There was even a masjid within walking distance of their home. The parents purposely enrolled their children in a public school so they would be among locals and learn the language. They didn’t want their children to be in American or British schools because, as Hashmi explains, they weren’t moving there to be with expats. 

She says living in Granada took the weight off their shoulders — their living expenses were cut by 300% compared to living in Andover. This relief increased the family’s quality of life and created a feeling of calm because Hashmi didn’t feel overwhelmed by the pressures of American life and maintaining a household. 

Things also eased up for Fahd, as the flip in time zones allowed him to be free during the day and work in the evening when the U.S. workday started. 

In Granada, Hashmi says the community is taken seriously. For instance, if a child at school has a birthday party, the entire class is invited.

She remarks that unlike over-the-top children’s parties often glamorized on social media, birthday parties in Granada are always held at a park with the parents staying to socialize. There, she observed, birthday parties aren’t about putting the child on display, but a chance for the community to get together.

“I realized quickly my key to meeting people there and becoming friends was attending all the birthday parties the kids were invited to,” she says. 

In connecting with the Muslim community there, Hashmi says there is an Indigenous Spaniard community outside the city that come to Granada on jummah or travel into the city for work. She also came to find out her favorite coffee shop she frequented was owned by Spanish Muslims. 

Escaping the Consumerism Trap

The move also inspired Hashmi to write a book, “What Matters Most: Simple Living Guide for Muslim Women” (soon to be released). The book, which she wrote at her kitchen table in Granada, is meant to help Muslimas avoid the mass consumerism that she says has become prevalent in our cultures. She also started a Facebook group, “Simple Decluttered Living,” to create a community around this. The group had 100 members within 24 hours and has now grown to 5,000 people. 

For those who desire to avoid the consumer trap and make a big move, Hashmi’s advice is to not tell anyone. She didn’t even tell her own mother until a month before moving. Hashmi admits it wasn’t easy to keep this from friends and family, but she didn’t want their fears projected on her. She was adamant in not looking for anyone’s permission about her family’s decision to move.

Hashmi says often people in the Muslim community don’t see themselves as a nuclear family. 

“For us, we truly believe that you believe that you are not just marrying the person, you are marrying the family.” she says.

Hashmi says this can hold people back from taking the leap. She believes it is still possible to care for one’s family from afar and return to be by their side.

The family decided to return stateside after two years with her son starting high school and her mother getting older. They now reside in Southern California, where Hashmi grew up, with her mother living with the family. 

Amal Omer is a freelance writer based in the Washington, D.C. area.

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By Areena Ali Memon

Mar/Apr 2024

“There was no me left — just him and his needs. The viler things he said, the more I tried to prove my love and worth…Verbally and emotionally, he used gaslighting and love bombing. I felt consumed in every aspect of my being. He gave the silent treatment like a star, and I would try to jolt him out of dark moods, taking responsibility for everything and apologizing just to stop the fights.” 

This is just one survivor’s insight from Shahida Arabi’s “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” (SCW Archer Publishing, 2016). The term narcissism is being thrown around a lot lately. This is because lay people without any clinical background are diagnosing others as having narcissistic personality disorders (NPD). However, just like passing other judgments, we should be cautious before attaching potentially damaging labels. 

In his “Vocabulary of a Narcissist” (Sept. 2022) khutba, Shaykh Omar Suleiman said that “The Quran calls upon us to be very introspective. Even in the story of Fir‘aun, instead of thinking about pharaohs of the world as they exist today, actually ask yourself, ‘Do I have some of the traits of Fir‘aun?’” 

Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism

This term originates from Greek mythology, according to which a handsome young man named Narcissus fell in love with his image reflected in a pool of water. He spent hours gazing at the image and admiring himself. It’s a personality trait that, just like anger, we all possess. While most people see it in a negative light, there is also a healthy version of narcissism that looks like better self-esteem. 

“Healthy narcissism is the middle path between arrogant narcissism and being a doormat,” said Haleh Banani (MA, University of Houston; founder, The Mindful Hearts Academy) who also offers faith-based counseling. “One extreme is all about themselves with no regard to other people and how they are impacted. The other end of the spectrum is total disregard for themselves, where a people pleaser would do anything for anyone at any time without caring about how it impacts them.” 

Healthy narcissism is having self-esteem and assertiveness without stepping on others. That’s the middle path toward which Islam calls us. She also explained how people use the concept of eethaar (sacrifice) to justify being a people pleaser, although they usually act out of frustration because they cannot say “No.” 

Unhealthy narcissism, however, can turn into a full-blown personality disorder. “Someone may have some traits and not others. It’s not an all or nothing scenario,” writes Arabi. “The root problems are ‘excessive admiration of themselves’ and that ‘the world revolves around them.’” Therefore, it’s better to say that someone has narcissistic traits or is a narcissist and leave the diagnosis to a licensed and trained clinician.

Dr. Fahad Khan (MS, MA, PsyD), a licensed clinical psychologist and deputy director at Khalil Center in Lombard, Ill., stated, “People need to realize that when marriage gets difficult, you are bound to not like your spouse. If you go online and look stuff up, you’ll find one or more symptoms of some psychological disorder in your partner or in-laws. We must not let this blessing of access to information become a curse for ourselves and our relationships.”

Assumptions About Narcissists

Narcissism is not gender biased. Women often complain that their husbands are narcissists, usually because they generally share more about their personal and relationship problems. That doesn’t mean that only men can be narcissists. While genetics can be one factor, another one can be a traumatic childhood or overindulgence.

Another incorrect assumption is that religious men are more narcissistic and can abuse women by playing the “qawwam card,” (Quran 4:34,) which some translators have interpreted as a husband being allowed to strike his wife in specific circumstances. However, we cannot generalize this to include all religious men. 

“And how do we really measure who is more religious,” asked Khan. “Do we judge based on their clothing or which row they stand in the masjid? Religiosity could be measured by taqwa, and that’s something only Allah knows.”

Relationship With a Narcissist

Close relationships with narcissists can be very painful — from wanting to seek an emotional connection with them to wondering if they even love you, from begging them to understand your side to realizing that they may not even really care. While a couple can divorce, Islamic principles state that no family member can be cut off completely. 

“Be patient and set healthy boundaries. Model healthy behaviors and make du‘a for them, because our belief is that Allah can heal any sickness and disorder,” said Khan. “Individuals with unhealthy narcissism or the personality disorder who seek professional support can heal over time, God willing.”

Anyone married to a narcissist faces a huge dilemma: divorce or staying in a marriage in which they have invested years and have children. Barring abuse, if your partner is willing to seek professional help, it may be worth giving it another chance. 

Picking a Spouse

With so many cases of narcissistic abuse, young Muslims today are very anxious about getting married. Narcissism is hard to gauge in a few meetings, as many Muslims do not date. It basically boils down to asking others and trying to observe behaviors. Banani suggested meeting in different settings, perhaps in an escape room or other places with a group and see how the prospective spouse fares under pressure. Focus on behavior, not words. 

Khan pointed out a common problem: either young Muslims let their parents choose a spouse, and thereby neither interact with him/her nor examine their true gut feelings before the wedding. Or on the other extreme, they get too emotionally involved prior to anything being finalized and even ignore their rationality and logic. 

While getting to know one another, note if they start swearing in stressful situations and how many times you have to change your schedule to suit their needs. Arrange for plenty of time between meetings so you can process the experience. Keep some close people involved and updated, as they may be able to point out things you didn’t notice.

In the end, you can never really be sure. Some people can hide their narcissistic traits very well or may not even be aware of them. After doing your homework, augment your decisions with du‘a, istikhara, and trusting God.

The Community’s Role 

While narcissistic abuse often happens behind closed doors, the community can be there for those suffering via educating people and creating mosque-based support systems. 

Education is important because those suffering in silence may find the strength to reach out, these traits might be nipped in the bud and it can reduce blaming the victim for something beyond his/her control. Such statements  as “You must have done something to trigger his/her anger.” “Did you try working it out?” or “Didn’t you know about his anger issues before marriage?” only re-traumatize the victim. 

Creating such systems can help build relationships that can handle serious discussions and create safe spaces for meaningful dialog. 

Do Not Despair

In a beautifully articulated paragraph in The Muslim Narcissist (2021), Mona Alyereessy writes, “The Arabic word for delay is ta’kheer and the word for goodness is khair. Both share the three root letters kha, yaa and raa. I find it beautiful, as God has placed so much goodness in every delay to express His Divine Love and Mercy for us. So, no matter how long you take to heal, how many obstacles you experience, how many injuries and hardships you have endured, how many doors have closed and how long you’ve patiently waited for your rizq — don’t lose hope; God promises that what’s good for you is on its way.” 

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

• Healing starts with accepting that it wasn’t your fault. This is crucial, as abusers use gaslighting and manipulation to gradually instill the seed of guilt in their victim’s mind. 

• Forgive yourself for choosing him/her as a partner or staying in the marriage. Give yourself grace, for you did the best you could. At the end it was all meant to be, which is our belief in divine decree. Remember, God doesn’t burden a soul with more than what it can bear (2:286).

• Don’t wait for an apology, for that can come only if and when he/she admits the abuse — a highly unlikely event. Forgive them for God’s sake and rid your heart of any grudges so you can heal and move on.

• Set boundaries if you still must interact with the narcissist as a co-parent or family member. It can be challenging, but necessary. As these people feel a sense of entitlement and may see others as a threat, they will react to this preventative strategy. Banani suggests using “I” instead of “you.” Try saying, “I feel this way” as opposed to “you did this.” 

• Improve your relationship with God through prayer, du‘a and the Quran.

• Form new healthy relationships or reconnect with old ones and make them your consistent support system. Be very selective about who you let into your inner circle.

• Work on your self-esteem, which is something the narcissist tries to shatter, and regain your inner strength.

• Work on your appearance. Often, we feel better when we look better.

• Learn from your experience. “No matter how difficult the experience is, there’s always a valuable lesson to learn from it,” said Alyereessy.

• Choose your therapist carefully, as not all of them are informed about this specific kind of trauma, and don’t hesitate to find a new one if he/she cannot help you. 

• Envision yourself a few years down the road achieving all that you have ever wanted in life. Make a du‘a list and start asking God, keeping in mind His majesty and not your weakness.

Areena Ali Memon juggles various roles including homeschooling, blogging, YouTubing, freelance writing, photography and managing an Islamic bookstore while pursuing a bachelor’s degree in education from the Islamic Online University.

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By Shabnam Mahmood

Mar/Apr 2024

Muslim parents often face the dilemma of whether they should send their children to Islamic or secular schools. For some, it’s a simple decision, while for others many factors come into play. Islamic schools have recently seen an upsurge in enrollment. Islamic Horizons set out to see if this could be due to the recent changes in the public education curriculum regarding LGBTQ+ issues. 

Shaza Khan (executive director, Islamic Schools League of America [ISLA]) agrees there has been an increase in registrations for Islamic schools. ISLA is a board member of the Council for American Private Education (CAPE), which represents private schools nationwide. CAPE has noted a rise in all private schools’ enrollment across the spectrum, but has not necessarily linked it to state curriculum changes.

Wanis Shalaby (principal, Salam School) believes there has always been a gradual increase in enrollment in Islamic schools despite recent changes to the public education curriculum. 

“All administrators of well-developed Islamic schools seem to have witnessed higher enrollments at their schools over the past few years,” Shalaby said. “I believe there are multiple reasons for the current spike, among which are the challenges Muslim children face in the public school system, such as Islamic identity, gender identity, bullying, harassment and Islamophobia. These reasons have urged parents to seek a haven for their children in Islamic schools.”

Talk with Your Kids

Many parents consider Islamic schools to be a safer alternative. That convinces parents that some option is better than none, even when Islamic schools may lack resources in sports or extracurriculars. 

For example, the small Islamic school in Merium Abdullah’s area of Los Angeles is still trying to find its footing after the Covid-19 pandemic. Thanks to involved parents, the school has reopened and is growing slowly. Abdullah has two children in public schools and one in an Islamic school. She augments their education with Sunday School classes. Although she finds her Islamic school lacking in secular studies, administrative issues and other areas, she still recommends them over public schools. That said, she advocates instilling religious values early in children, especially those attending public schools.

“Parents should talk to their kids about lots of issues,” remarked Abdullah. “Kids should come to you before anyone else and be guided on how to navigate these discussions.”

Teaching her four children how to navigate the world is also a concern for Sabrina Chishti. “Raising kids in today’s society is already a challenging task. As a Muslim, there are added fears and responsibilities for parents to correctly guide our kids so they can navigate themselves in this constantly changing world,” she stated. 

Initially, Chishti believed public schools offered better options due to their state-of-the-art facilities and licensed staff. Eventually, she noticed her children beginning to use foul language and talking back. 

“The mental stress of navigating rights and wrongs in a non-Muslim school environment is tremendous for such young children. On top of all that, LGBTQ+ is now included in our district curriculum, and that’s a whole topic that we don’t want our kids exposed to in elementary school,” she noted. “After weighing the pros and cons of public school, we decided that Islamic school is the way to go … to preserve their innocence and give them a fair opportunity to make good decisions without societal pressures.” 

Within a year, Chishti saw her children become more respectful, priding themselves on how many surahs they had learned and how fluent they had become in their Quranic recitations. Al Huda Academy in Hanover Park, Ill., has a mission of “Adaab (etiquette) before Academics. It took me some time to truly understand this philosophy,” said Chishti. “But now that I see its impact, I have embraced its value.”

Administrators Weigh In

How are Islamic schools preparing for this curricular change in direction from public schools? “Communication is critical. We must understand what kids are going through,” declared Habeeb Quadri (superintendent, MCC Academy). “We need to educate students to learn their rights and responsibilities on how to navigate social issues. We advocate by trying to provide resources for students, such as halal food options and prayer in public spaces, and help students advocate for themselves. We also reevaluate what’s happening in society and how to handle it respectfully.”

Khan noted that Islamic school capacities aren’t increasing in proportion to the demand for Islamic education. Also, many Islamic schools are adopting public school curricula that contain material that doesn’t necessarily align with Islamic beliefs and views. She is advocating for a holistic curriculum renewal. 

“While Islamic schools may be facing a ‘good’ problem by having waiting lists, I would love for families to come to our Islamic schools because of what we’re doing well, not because of what they’re trying to get away from,” Khan stressed. 

Has the current societal pressure due to the change in public curricula put Islamic schools on alert? Quadri believes that Islamic schools have constantly been evolving. “We have always tried to tackle these topics with our students, for example, evolution, the existence of God, women in Islam, substance abuse and current issues.” 

Shalaby, whose Salam School has earned a 5-star school of excellence on the State of Wisconsin Report Card for the past three years, adds that schools trying to teach their students in a manner that uses dialog, critical thinking and fostering a culture of Islamic pride have developed a well-balanced, fully interactive Muslim-American generation. 

Shalaby explains that while he may not be able to speak for other Islamic schools in terms of gender identity Salam School’s students aren’t being raised in a bubble. “This topic is completely avoided in lower elementary and is addressed in an age-appropriate manner in upper elementary through high school. To this effect, the topic is addressed on multiple fora,” he added.

For instance, his school has a strong character education program, part of which addresses current events/topics during the morning assembly. LGBTQ+ is one of the topics addressed. In addition, this topic is also frequently addressed during the Islamic studies classes. Furthermore, the senior class must complete a mandatory semester seminar on contemporary issues in Islam, where LGBTQ+ is discussed and analyzed to its fullest extent, so that our graduating students can stand their ground when they are confronted on college campuses with this and other topics.

“Parents should not wake up at the 11th hour,” Shalaby said. “It is too late by then. Your work with your children starts before they are born, so work on yourselves first. Further, unless your home environment complements the school’s culture, work toward achieving a shared vision with the school.”

He advised Muslim students to “Be proud of who you are. You do not need to blend in by compromising who you are. The strength of our nation is the result of its diversity. You have a lot to offer. It is your duty to your religion and nation to be the best Muslims you can become.”   

Shabnam Mahmood is a Chicago-based author, freelance writer and educational consultant.

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By Shabnam Mahmood

Mar/Apr 2024

Are parents familiar with what’s being taught in their child’s school? Historically, the public education system has evolved to mirror societal changes. Currently, the issue of LGTBQ+ curriculum in public schools is at the forefront. Several states have adopted bills allowing this material to be introduced as early as elementary school. 

This overt use of state authority to push a specific agenda has been a point of contention for many Muslims and other faith-based and conservative communities. A Dearborn, Mich., school board meeting was shut down during October 2023 by protestors’ objection to including LGBTQ+ books in classrooms. Another case garnering national attention is Mahmoud v. McKnight. Three multi-faith families of elementary-aged children in Maryland objected not only to the use of story books featuring LGBTQ+ characters in the Montgomery County Public School (MCPS) system, but also the school district’s reversal of the previous opt-out option. The lawsuit claimed that “the no-opt-out policy violates their and their children’s free exercise and free speech rights under the First Amendment, the parent’s substantive due process rights under the Fourteenth Amendment, and Maryland law.” 

Option to Opt-Out

Initially, MCPS notified the parents of the LGTBQ+ books and their right to opt-out. “MCPS school board also enacted religious diversity guidelines that suggested schools adjust their instruction or accommodate requests from students who wish to be excused from classroom discussions, which would ‘impose a substantial burden on their religious beliefs.’ The same guidelines also stated, ‘If such requests become too frequent or too burdensome, the school may refuse to accommodate the requests.’” (DeNotaris, 2023). MCPS declared last March that it would no longer allow parents to opt-out of the LGTBQ+ curriculum. 

Parents from faith-based and secular backgrounds united to raise their concerns to the MCPS school board and board of education. Wael Elkoshairi, an MCPS parent, founded the parent-action group Family Rights for Religious Freedom (FRRF) in April 2023, which galvanized parents to voice their concerns and filed for an emergency injunction to restore the opt-out option. 

The court ruled in favor of MCPS, citing that the parent’s right to opt out of the LGTBQ+ curriculum, which conflicts with their religious views, is not a fundamental right. However, parents remain encouraged and have submitted a motion for a mandatory injunction. 

Similar struggles are being fought nationwide. Elkhoshairi says Muslims from across the country are contacting FRRF. So, what’s at the heart of these arguments? 

“It appears to be the question of who has more rights over a child’s education, the government or parents?” said Tom Facchine (resident imam, Utica Masjid; research director, Islam and Society, the Yaqeen Institute for Islamic Research) in an interview with Islamic Horizons. 

To complicate the issue, LGBTQ+ advocates are also drawing parallels between themselves as a minority group and those that are race-based, arguing that they should have similar rights of representation within the education curriculum.

 “LGTBQ+ advocates have capitalized on other minority groups. The initial bill [Nevada Assembly Bill 2621] includes Black, Native, Indigenous people and people with disabilities. It’s a radical position based on ideology,” Facchine added. By associating themselves with such minority groups, the community also tries to portray itself as a minority group worthy of recognition and representation rights.

“The LGTBQ+ agenda has gained momentum through grassroots efforts, campaigns and advocacy,” said Mohammad Ahmadullah Siddiqi (professor emeritus, Journalism and Public Relations, Western Illinois University). He explains that the LGTBQ+ community stood with Muslims during the Trump presidency, when Muslims were being targeted, in hopes of Muslims reciprocating that support. Christians who hope to unify efforts against this agenda also sought Muslim support.

Kareem Monib is co-founder of Coalition of Virtue, a parents’ group that advocates for parental rights in the public school system and joined the MCPS parent rally against the board of education. 

“This is an act, not an identity. It’s not the role of the state to impose values,” he said, contending that LGBTQ+ should not be conflated with race-based designations. LGBTQ+ advocates argue that homosexuality and transgenderism are based on biology.

Monib and Sameera Munshi recently discussed gender ideologies in a Yaqeen Institute video, “The Coalition Fighting Gender Ideology in Schools | Dogma Disrupted,” with imam Facchine.

Perplexed Parents

“I didn’t even know!” says Amal [not her real name]. By the time the mother of four became aware of what was happening in her children’s school, the curriculum had already been implemented (spring 2021) and had influenced them. 

“The club was introduced as a student initiative. Kids didn’t need parental permission to join,” she stated. “When parents objected, the school said it’s a student club and there was no need for parental consent. The child that didn’t know the definition of all the letters in the LGBTQ+ acronym was considered ignorant. If they didn’t comply with the club, they were labeled a bully and brought to the principal’s office.”

The club also provided support groups for those with inclusion issues or parents’ rejecting their identity. Teachers were instructed to refrain from informing parents about the child’s choice of changing his/her gender. The student could be called by a name complying with the gender he/she had secretly chosen. 

Amal’s older daughters, now 20, 18 and 16, have increasingly become more empathetic to the LGBTQ+ community. Despite having gone to an Islamic school, the girls challenged their mother, even accusing her of hate speech. 

“This is a haram lifestyle,” Amal argued with her daughters. They counterargued that the LGBTQ+ community was targeted and needed supporters. The youngest daughter changed her looks by switching to gender-neutral clothing and cutting her hair to look like a boy. Amal remained steadfast and continued to discuss the matter. The older daughters were more reluctant to change their views. The youngest eventually returned to her previous clothing and hairstyle. Amal has still not given up on trying to have constructive dialogue with her older daughters. 

Confident Kids

However, not all Muslim kids feel conflicted. Thirteen-year-old Zayyan Sayyed of Algonquin, Ill., is among a handful of Muslims at his school. He has not joined his school’s LGTBQ+ club. Students sometimes need to identify their pronouns, but other than that he has not come across any LGTBQ+ curriculum. 

Sayyed noticed the school’s emphasis on the LGTBQ+ community toward the end of seventh grade. It’s a topic that doesn’t readily come up when talking with his friends though. He says even some of his Christian friends are opposed to this lifestyle. “I know we believe a man is supposed to love a woman and a woman is supposed to love a man. You can’t change that,” said the eighth grader. “Going to Sunday school has helped. The closer you are to religion, the less likely you’ll be led astray. Religion is like a protective shield,” he added. 

Pronouns are commonplace at Niles West High School, when students introduce themselves to newer teachers. Sarah Khan, a junior, thinks nothing of it. “It’s just that one extra step you have to do.” Khan has friends who identify as LGTBQ+ but haven’t come out yet. That’s the basis for their conversation — the safety of who to trust. Although Khan doesn’t agree with the lifestyle, she doesn’t think about it very much. “If curriculums are pushing the agenda, that’s wrong.” Otherwise, she listens to her mother’s advice and stays clear of other people’s business, adhering to “For you is your religion, and for me is my religion” (109:6).

What Can Parents Do

This scenario is common among some, but not all, Muslim parents. “It’s a matter of having a belief system and family values,” says Aslam Abdullah (resident Islamic scholar, Islamicity.org). He argues that talking openly with children builds the first line of defense. Once a week, he meets with his family and grandchildren for such discussions on any topic, including LGBTQ+. “Children need a clear understanding of their value system. Parents need to focus on their children. If children see a difference between their parent’s words and actions, they will lose interest.” 

There’s a lot of competition for that fleeting moment of a child’s attention. Nowadays, the number of books, films and television shows without gender identity references is shrinking. “There is a disproportionate number of resources,” says Sarah Sultan (licensed counselor and research fellow, Yaqeen Institute). 

The 3 Cs

Sultan advises parents to be proactive when confronted with these influences by having straightforward, age-appropriate discussions with their children, preferably before they start school. Middle- and high-school-aged children would benefit from Yaqeen Institute’s curriculum, which addresses this specific issue with the three Cs: Conviction (Solid belief in Allah), Clarify (What does Allah say about this topic?) and Compassion (Teaching our children kindness even if we disagree). 

Muslim students often find themselves on the outskirts. Parents should validate their children along with setting boundaries, for aligning with people affects one’s values. Muslim students in Islamic schools are not exempt, because all teens face the same challenges in this hypersexualized society. Sultan suggests providing children with alternative circles, such as masjid activities and vetted peer groups. 

For those who argue about being merciful and empathetic to this community, Imam Facchine explains that moral discussion is not hate speech. Muslims shouldn’t abandon their beliefs and value system to show empathy. Hate, on the other hand, means to abandon someone to their destruction. However, because you want good for someone, you dare to raise your voice to help them. This is compassion, not hate. 

He further explains that we aren’t our desires. We are one thing; our desires are another. Our objective is to tame these desires so we don’t fall prey to them. As for mercy, Imam Facchine asks, “Are you more merciful than Allah? Only Allah gets to define mercy. We are justifiable to define mercy, but Allah is not.” No matter how we may perceive our notion of mercy, it cannot compare to that of Allah’s. 

Awareness, activism and open communication are a Muslim parent’s strengths in this fight. Become aware of the school situation and participate in the decisions being made. Empathize with the conflicted thoughts your children may have. If adults are uncomfortable with this topic, imagine how children might feel. 

Shabnam Mahmood is a Chicago-based author, freelance writer and educational consultant.

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By Nayab Bashir

Jan/Feb 2024

A mosque is often known as a Muslim’s second home. If you have nowhere else to turn, you can turn to the house of God. Those who have frequented mosques since early childhood find themselves comforted by the call to prayer and the familiarity of the lined carpets. If you know how to pray, wherever you go in the world you’ll know what to do in a mosque. North American Muslims have made their local communities “friends like family,” and visiting mosques frequently has become part of their identity. 

Yumi Ota (aka Khadija) is a journalist, social media personality and homeschooling mother of three living in St. Louis, Miss. A revert with no Muslim family members or old friends who share the faith, she has found that the mosque feels like home and community. It’s her emotional solace, the first place she goes to pray, meet new friends and raise her children. Ota and her husband make it a priority to take their children to the mosque often. She has enrolled her children in Quran memorization programs as often as six days a week. Although the Islamic Foundation of Greater St. Louis’ Daar Ul-Islam Masjid has a room for mothers with young children, Ota found it too small and often crowded — and nowhere near large enough to meet the needs of St. Louis’ expanding community. 

A Japanese-American married to an Indian-American, Ota is aware of the importance of personal identity. Through her studies in journalism, she has learned that minority children raised within a community of the same race or religion grow up more confident of their identity. Muslims are a minority in both Japan and India, and so family participation in the local mosque’s activities is something for which they are both grateful. The mosque’s atmosphere and people help them raise their children to be unapologetically Muslim. 

“Any mosque for me, the only place I can be truly alone and cry my heart out when I am sad or stressed,” Ota said. “I want my children to feel the same way and love the mosques and eventually serve the community in them, God willing.” 

Muslim parents also want the next generation to have this security and love. While many mothers turn to their mosques for solace and clarity, and seek to guide their children to do the same, this is not always a simple and easy feat. Unfortunately, at times, mothers of young children receive unsolicited advice and criticism. Ota remembers this happening multiple times when her children were younger. Some of the people weren’t just critical — they were downright rude. 

She’s not alone in this experience. Many have accounts of their own childhoods in which they recall being scolded, while others have faced it with their children.

Seher, a professional organizer, content creator and social media manager, faced similar issues with her local Atlanta mosque. She knew the importance of taking her children to the mosque regularly so they would stay close to Islam and grow up within a like-minded community. However, once there she was asked to leave just for keeping her children next to her while praying, even though they were sitting quietly in one place. This very discouraging incident made her feel disconnected.

Many mosques had programs for children over the age of five, but not for those as young as her children. Although they had access to local libraries, fairs and parks, this disconnect was isolating. Even more important, as the brain develops rapidly between the ages of one through five, she considered an Islamic foundation essential. But in 2018, the concept of Islamic programs for her children was nonexistent in Atlanta. And so she reached out to friends Samia and Asra and co-founded the Iqra Kids Club (IKC). 

Together, the trio started their program at a mosque they felt had always emphasized the importance of family: the Roswell Community Mosque. They began hosting monthly programs in early 2018, and continue to do so. IKC seeks to introduce Islamic lessons and morals to toddlers and preschoolers in a fun and interactive way. Learning at their sessions is always a hands-on experience. Moreover, both parents are encouraged to attend to make it a family-bonding activity.

IKC aims to instill in children a joyful and meaningful connection to the mosque by creating a welcoming environment. Forty children join the group at each event, often with parents and siblings. A relevant Islamic topic is chosen, explained via an age-appropriate story, nasheeds, puppet shows, videos and crafts. Children learn about important values through interactive play and feel welcome. They look forward to the next session and ask their parents when they can go to the mosque again! 

Seher’s initiative has caught the interest of various people across North America. Many are hoping to start a toddlers’ program at their local mosques too. Furthering her efforts, the trio has started writing detailed lesson plans, along with craft templates, that will be available in 2024. 

Seher’s personal mission is that nobody should be turned away from the mosque. She’s working to help others understand that the bond with the mosque starts at a young age. All mosques should have a Mother’s and Father’s room for toddlers, along with toys and books to keep them busy while their parents pray. These rooms should be equipped with speakers and screens so they can see the congregation. Having such facilities will encourage more parents of young ones to visit the mosque, pray and listen to talks, because the absence of children today could lead to emptier mosques when they are older. 

As the Turkish proverb says, “Dear Muslims, if there are no sounds of children laughing in the back as you are praying, fear for the next generation.” It’s understandable that worshippers wish to pray or contemplate undisturbed. There’s no disrespect toward them. Parents shouldn’t let their children run wild in the house of God, be rowdy, spill drinks or litter. However, if they’re just being kids, that should be okay. 

In the mosque of the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), children were both welcomed and accommodated. Even the Prophet disliked to trouble the mother of a child crying during prayer. We can see this illustrated in the following hadiths:

• The Messenger of Allah would pray holding Umsama bint Zaynab bint Rasulillah. He would put her down when he prostrated and then pick her up again when he stood up (“Sunan Ibn Bukhari,” 114),

• The Prophet said, “When I stand for prayer, I intend to prolong it. But on hearing the cries of a child, I cut it short, for I dislike to trouble the child’s mother” (“Sunan Ibn Bukhari,” 707), and

• “The Messenger of Allah came out to us for one of the two later prayers, carrying Hasan or Hussein. He then came to the front and put him down, said takbir for the prayer and commenced praying. During the prayer, he performed a very long prostration, so I raised my head and there was the child, on the back of the Messenger of Allah, who was in prostration. I then returned to my prostration. When the Messenger of Allah had offered the prayer, the people said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! In the middle of your prayer, you performed prostration and lengthened it so much that we thought either something had happened or that you were receiving revelation!’ He said, ‘Neither was the case. Actually, my grandson made me his mount, and I did not want to hurry him until he had satisfied his wish’” (“Sunan al-Nasa’i, 1141).

No parent wants their child creating chaos in the mosque, and everyone is doing what they can to prevent that. The next time you hear a giggle or the pitter-patter of small feet, please consider the importance of that child feeling safe in a mosque and returning to it throughout his or her life. 

Nayab Bashir is a literature aficionado with an English literature degree to prove it. A mother of three children under ten, currently staying home with her youngest, and “studying for the LSAT.”

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By Ayah Siddiqui

Jan/Feb 2024

In the circle of life, the name you might one day see on a sign outside an office door or embroidered on a physician’s white coat can make its way to a headstone. When a loved one passes away, there are so many things the family members left behind have to do. When emotions are high and energy low, families should ideally not have to squabble over things like gravestones. 

If you visit cemeteries in North America, you will see many tombstones inscribed with the deceased’s name and birth/death dates. Some of them may also have religious symbols, excerpts or even pictures on them. Muslim scholars have different responses about Islamic rulings regarding tombstones. 

“Marking the spot of the grave is recommended,” said Imam Azhar Subedar (Islamic Association of Collin County mosque, Plano, Texas). “It is recommended for identification purposes. But anything beyond recognition is considered makruh – discouraged, but not forbidden.” He said that anything extravagant is discouraged and that graves shouldn’t have monuments built upon them. 

The Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) placed a stone on Uthman bin Math’un’s (radi Allah ‘anhu) grave and said, “I am marking my brother’s grave with it, and I shall bury beside him those of my family who die” (“Sunan Abi Dawud,” hadith no. 3206).

However, there can be a difference of opinion on the details. “It is offensive to place an inscription on the grave,” according to Ahmad ibn Naqib al-Misri, a Shafi‘i scholar. In his “Reliance of the Traveler,” a classic manual of Islamic law, he said an exception can be made if the deceased is a religious scholar so that he may be visited and honored. Imam Ahmad believes that unless one is an Islamic historical figure, his/her grave should be flat and unmarked. 

Options in North America 

Many North American cemeteries have areas separated by faith, and most are willing to accommodate your preferences and religious practices. It’s common to see the Muslim section having flat markers and name plates, as opposed to standing headstones. 

In addition, having a headstone is usually the choice of the deceased’s family, for no law requires that one be purchased, especially because doing so can get expensive. This was the case with the Usmani family in Houston. 

“My maternal grandfather doesn’t have a tombstone,” said Fasih Siddiqui. “No one in the family could afford it at the time. Then when my grandmother died, we didn’t place a tombstone because they believed it was against Islamic law.” 

Different families have different ideas about whether tombstones are allowed. Siddiqui’s family is originally from Pakistan, where some believe that adding a tombstone can make the grave pakka (completed). Once a grave is pakka, it has the potential to become a shrine. In addition, there is fear of bid‘a (innovation), such as visiting graves to ask the deceased to intercede and get prayers answered.

Rasekh Siddiqui, Fasih’s father, elaborated on why many people in Pakistan think this way. He related the story of a man who passed away many years ago in Karachi. His family believed they should mark his grave so that they could visit it and recite the Quran there. Obviously, having the tombstone would help identify the grave. 

But as the months went by, they began finding more and more markings on the grave, each one more elaborate than the last. Upon finding the man who was enhancing the grave, they asked him “Why did you do this?” and he replied that the grave belonged to a great saint and should be revered. The family decided to tear down what he had built, fearing that it would be worshiped.  

There are many examples of saints’ burial places becoming places to which people travel to make a sacrifice in hopes that the saint will pray to God for them. This is where the fear of bid‘a and shirk (associating partners) starts.

In contrast to the Usmani family, the Mohammed family of Murfreesboro, Tenn., have different thoughts. “My parents were buried in Nashville. Both of their graves had stones. They were gray-colored stones, about 14 inches in height and 12 inches wide,” said Azmath Ali. “Their markers contained their names, birth dates, and the day they died. My mother’s grave also had an inscription that said who she was the wife of.” 

The Mohammed family believes that gravestones can be used according to Islamic guidelines, as long as the intention is solely for identification purposes. 

Cemetery Requirements 

If a family does decide to get a gravestone, they should inquire about the size and material requirements from the cemetery. While some cemeteries may say you need to buy a gravestone from them, it is usually not required. You can provide their guidelines to any other company. Some places may also need a special beveled edge or other specifications for lawn mowers and snow removal around the gravesite. Even if you order a gravestone from a Muslim  company, the cemetery does the installation. 

Death is anyways a stressful time for the family. If these matters are sorted out in advance, it can be one less thing to worry about when you have just lost a loved one. 

Ayah Siddiqui, a student in McKinney, Texas, enjoys reading and learning about current events from several points of view.

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By Amani Salahudeen

Jan/Feb 2024

When Dr. Suzy Ismail was 11 years old, she was disappointed that she couldn’t relate to any character in her favorite series, “The Babysitters Club.”

“None of them looked like me or my friends, and none of their families resembled mine,” Ismail said in an interview with Islamic Horizons. “As much as I searched for relatable characters in the 1980s, I couldn’t find any books with Muslim characters in middle grade novels at that time. So I started thinking about writing such a novel series with characters who looked more like me. But I never got around to writing until many years later when ‘The BFF Sisters’ book was born.”

She stressed the importance of wanting her children and other Muslim youth to feel represented by the books they read. Since “The BFF Sisters,” Laila Sabreen, Hanna Alkaf, S.K. Ali, Uzma Jalaluddin and other Muslim authors have written more relatable characters and themes. Ismail believes that the community must continue to support these authors so that Muslim youth can see more such books in the future.

While Ismail began her writing journey as a fiction author, she has now transitioned into non-fiction. “When Muslim Marriage Fails” is about the misunderstandings and more serious issues that frequently result in divorce. The stories and commentary in the book also give unmarried readers who want to get married a better understanding of the hazards that can rapidly snowball in the ruin of an otherwise salvageable situation. The book dives deep into the five specific divorce narratives from each spouse’s point of view.

She’s also working on a parenting book and “Mending Broken Hearts,” which is centered around recovering from loss and grief. Additionally, she mentioned having a few unfinished novels waiting to be revisited when time permits. Ismail believes that by filling voids in literature with their own stories and experiences, Muslim authors can inspire others to find their own unique voices.

“If you love to write, then do it! Don’t be crippled by self-doubt or imposter syndrome. If you see a need or a void, whether it’s on a specific topic or in a character, fill that void with your author’s voice. Your voice, your thoughts and your ideas are all needed, and you never know who will see themselves in your stories — fiction or nonfiction. In doing so, your readers may connect and find their own unique voice through your writing as well,” Ismail said.

She also has an academic book, “Counseling the Collective,” in the works. This book is based on her dissertation research and the work conducted at Cornerstone, which she founded.

Cornerstone’s foundation

Cornerstone, a nonprofit organization focusing on youth, family and relationship rebuilding, has partnered with a U.S. refugee resettlement group to provide spiritual psycho-socio emotional wellness programming to all incoming refugees.

Cornerstone consists of five departments: Marriage & Family: Premarital education and intervention, marriage facilitation, divorce discernment, blended and joint family dynamics, and parenting • Youth: Self-esteem, confidence, identity, spirituality, and sexuality • Grief/Loss & Anger Management: Perinatal programs • Addiction Integration Interventions & Life Changes: Geriatric care and transitions, such as college and career planning and • Refugee Integration: Offered in several languages to meet refugee needs.

 In each of these areas, Cornerstone offers workshops, seminars, programs, support groups, education and intervention sessions. Despite being stigmatized by Muslims, therapy can help individuals understand their struggles and spirituality, strengthen self-esteem, and guide them through life’s rough patches.

“The spiritual component of intervention cannot be left out of therapeutic intervention, particularly with clients from cultures in which faith, family, and community are integral parts of emotional resilience,” Ismail contended.

Speak from the heart

Drawing on her experience as a public speaking teacher, she advises students to speak from the heart and to prioritize authenticity in communication. Passion and interest shine through when speaking on familiar or meaningful topics and create a connection with the audience.

 “Authenticity is so critical in communication. And when we speak about topics that are familiar to us or mean a lot to us, our passion and interest shines through, and that excitement is felt by the audience,” she remarked.

Her work focuses on building healthy families and communities, making topics such as relationships, emotional resilience, overcoming hardships, marriage, parenting, youth, identity and the pursuit of God’s pleasure her favorites. 

“I’m passionate about building healthy families and communities. So, any topics that revolve around relationships, emotional resilience, overcoming hardships, marriage, parenting, and youth, would fall into my favorite topic category” she said.

Discuss mental health

Ismail urges parents to openly discuss mental health with their children. She emphasizes the importance of not stigmatizing such struggles and of treating them with the same significance as physical ailments.

“Parents, please don’t make mental health taboo!” Ismail implored. “Depression, anxiety and so many other mental health struggles are just as important to address as physical illnesses. Be open and empathetic, not dismissive, in understanding your child’s experiences and in recognizing the need for and importance of having these conversations and destigmatizing the topic of mental healthcare. And then seek help! Know the resources available and schedule that appointment for you and your child today.”

She reflects on the journey of parenthood, recognizing how quickly children grow up and emphasizing the need for parents to guide, teach and encourage while realizing that they don’t own their children. Her hope is that by instilling a foundation of seeking God’s pleasure in their children’s lives, they will leave their own positive mark on the world.

Establishing a work-life balance

Maintaining a work-life balance is crucial for any individual, including busy individuals like Ismail.

“Keeping trust in God and seeking His pleasure first and foremost in your mind as the foundation of everything you do makes a huge difference,” she remarked. “I also have an incredibly supportive husband and awesome kids, alhamdulillah, who’ve always managed to pick up the pieces when I’m feeling pulled in a million directions. We often try to be superheroes and do everything on our own, but surrounding ourselves with those who love and support us every step of the way is like having your own cheering squad that encourages you, especially at the lowest moments when you feel somewhat overwhelmed,” she added.

Dr. Suzy Ismail (MA in communication, Master of Philosophy in human services and a Ph.D. in human services) is a visiting professor at DeVry and Rutgers universities. An expert in refugee emotional resilience, she has received awards like the Ambassador for Peace and the Visionary Muslim.

Amani Salahudeen, currently pursuing a postgraduate degree in education at Western Governors University, has a bachelor’s in journalism and professional writing from The College of New Jersey.

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By Md. Mahmudul Hasan and Boshra Zawawi

Nov/Dec 2023

The deepening crisis in education is the root cause of many other problems and felt across religious, national, and racial divides. Harry Lewis’ “Excellence Without A Soul: How a Great University Forgot Education” (2006) states, “Society is going to hell in a handbasket, and the great universities are going to get there first.” Roughly a decade earlier, the late Taha Jabir al Alwani’s “The Islamization of Knowledge: Yesterday and Today” (1995), said, “By virtue of our submission to Western intellectual, cultural, and institutional influences and the impact that these have had on our lives, we are now full partners in the worldwide crisis.” 

As president of the International Institute of Islamic Thought (IIIT), headquartered in Herndon, Va., he and his team advocated intellectual revival and reforming education by promoting the integration of moral and religious (Islamic) elements in education and pedagogy. 

One of the institute’s educational reform efforts is directed to integrating knowledge, which involves complementarity between moral and material aspects of education and between religious and scientific epistemes in various disciplines. 

The institute’s Integration of Knowledge Summer Program 2023, held from July 24 to Aug. 12, opened with inaugural speeches by Hisham Altalib (president, IIIT) and Ahmed Alwani (vice president, IIIT). Altalib gave a brief history of the journey of the knowledge movement and of the idea of establishing an intellectual institution — IIIT. 

Students were then familiarized with the instructors, program goals and expectations, IIIT publications and journals and the onsite facilities, including the al-Alwani and al-Faruqi reference libraries. Both have been featured on the Religious Collections of the Library of Congress. 

Zainab Alwani (Howard University) was the subject matter expert and lead instructor. Other instructors were Ahmed Ali Salem (Zayed University, UAE) and Md. Mahmudul Hasan (International Islamic University Malaysia). The three-week program was designed collaboratively by Boshra Zawawi (senior instructional designer, Fairfax University of America [FXUA]) and Maimoona Al-Abri (Sultan Qaboos University, Oman), and guided with content feedback from Alwani. Wafia Alchurbaji (project manager, FXUA) was in charge of coordination and logistical support. 

Acclaimed Speaker Lineup

In addition to weekday sessions, on Saturdays the students listened to prominent U.S.-based public intellectuals and scholars of contemporary Islamic thought, among them Ingrid Mattson, Imam Suhaib Webb, and Imam Mohamed Magid. They also visited places of educational and historical interest, as well as guided tours and other monuments of political, cultural and historical importance, located in Washington, D.C.  

IIIT summer programs are generally designed for (active) graduate students who wish to become better acquainted with various debates involving Islam, Muslims and the modern world. Participants interacted with the instructors and peers both as individual and group learners. A notable by-product of such programs is for the participants to establish friendships and network ties with people of diverse backgrounds. Doing so has the potential to benefit them far beyond this short program’s span. 

For many students, this program was transformational in terms of understanding the purpose of their life on Earth as divine vicegerents, discovering and shaping their worldviews, connecting with revealed sources and cleansing their hearts by faith. 

The summer program included a small cohort of 11 students who met daily from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. to learn about the integration of knowledge methodology that allowed them to analyze contemporary issues in the light of Quranic principles. 

The students began a transformational journey that started with their hearts and the importance of purifying them continuously to build a solid relationship with the Quran. The journey continued as they learned about how to contemplate it in a more purposeful manner and how to use the sunna as the highest example of applying the Quran. It was stressed that practices of the Prophet and his Companions help guide the interpretation of Quranic verses. 

The students developed a coherent understanding of the maqasid al-qur’aniyyah (Qur’anic principles or objectives), which gave them a lens to assess and evaluate humanity’s intellectual heritage. The program helped them connect deeply with the Quran by approaching it with questions that seek to identify the root causes of real-life problems. Instead of relying on one source to understand specific Quranic verses, the students learned to use multiple translations that relate different perspectives to expand their thinking and broaden their views. 

The students often started their days with a beautiful Quran recitation that lifted their emotional state and opened their hearts to receive new knowledge. They constantly reflected on their journey, their desire to stay connected, how exceptional it was, their surprise about how much they were learning, and their wish to offer such programs to Muslim youth to help them develop personally, intellectually and spiritually. 

They left the program convinced that Islam allows them to produce, confirm and/or question for the sake of learning and truth-seeking. 

Md. Mahmudul Hasan is a professor of English and postcolonial literature at the International Islamic University Malaysia. Boshra Zawawi is a senior instructional designer and guest lecturer at the Fairfax University of America.  

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By Taskeen Khan

Nov/Dec 2023

The winter holidays are filled with emotion. They can be hectic — schools are closed, family is visiting, and the house is often full. But the season can also be full of joy. Starbucks is carrying your favorite peppermint mocha, you can finally go on vacation, and someone is always bringing cookies to the office. 

For Muslims, the holidays can have an added layer of complexity. From putting up a Christmas tree to reserving the light and decorations for Eid and Ramadan only, Muslim have found a variety of ways to navigate the holidays. 

Younas Ali is a life-long resident of the Minnesota suburbs. Growing up, his family didn’t celebrate Christmas; however, he still remembers the winter holidays as a time of excitement. His family would travel during the break, he would participate in the holiday-related arts and crafts at school and his neighborhood would always be decked out in beautiful lights. His family would send holiday wishes and desserts to his Christian cousin. Looking back, Ali never felt like he was missing out, for the season was always filled with fun, even if he wasn’t celebrating Christmas. 

Shifting Values

Insiya Syed’s family changed how they celebrated Christmas as she grew older. When she and her sisters were young, their parents wanted to make the holidays a fun time. Her family put up stockings, exchanged small gifts, and went out to see the lights. However, as the sisters got slightly older the festivities fizzled out, not only because everyone was growing up, but also because they no longer fit in with her family’s shifting religious values. And yet Syed never recalls feeling left out. She would still go caroling with her Girl Scout troop and enjoyed the lights, decor and festive spirit. 

Her family also began to decorate more for Eid and Ramadan, inspired by a desire to increase the holiday feel of these special occasions and because appropriate décor was no longer so hard to find. Today, Syed doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but she has maintained the tradition of making Eid and Ramadan a special, festive time.

Even as a young child, Deniz Namik grew up knowing that Christmas wasn’t one of the traditions and holidays her family celebrated. Her mother wanted to ensure that her family kept sight of their own traditions and holidays, so lights, elves and anything Christmas-themed never entered the house. School was her only exposure to the holiday, although she still developed a love for Christmas movies. 

Namik has observed her younger sister, who is still in elementary school, grow up in the same environment. Although her little sister absolutely loves the holiday, Namik has watched her grow into someone who can differentiate what holidays she and her family celebrate while also appreciating those of other families and cultures. 

Christmas was absent from Sara Raja’s childhood. While she was growing up, it was clear that participating in non-Muslim religious practices was strictly forbidden. Although she was allowed to enjoy hot chocolate and a candy cane at school, she knew that Christmas would forever remain outside her home. Going to a public elementary school, she sometimes felt left out and wanted to join in the festivities. But Raja explained that as she grew older and more secure in her Muslim identity, this faded away. 

As a parent, Raja is following in her parents’ footsteps. While Christmas and non-Muslim holidays aren’t celebrated in her house, she does make Eid and Ramadan exciting times for her little one, a time filled with decorations and activities. As her daughter grows up, she plans to focus on connecting her to her Muslim identity by immersing her in the mosque and Muslim youth groups. By fostering pride and excitement in their faith and community, Raja hopes that her own children will feel secure, even if they are not joining in their fellow students’ holidays. 

A licensed professional counselor, Raja suggests that parents worried about navigating the holidays should “foster a healthy line of communication with children, so that when/if their child is struggling, he/she feels comfortable enough to come to them.” 

Books and Resources

The worry that children will feel excluded during the holidays is not uncommon. Aisha Dawood wrote “Yusuf and Yusra’s Merry Dilemma” (2023) to address this very concern. She remembers feeling fascinated by Halloween as a child and wanting to be part of it. This inspired her to write the three-book “Yusuf and Yusra’s Holiday Dilemma” series, which focus on Christmas, Halloween, and Hanukkah. Her intention is to show Muslim children that their mixed feelings about the holidays are valid and that not all children celebrate these holidays. 

These books emphasize that even if you’re not celebrating a holiday, you can still enjoy the time off by spending time with friends and family. Dawood’s books not only provide enjoyable alternatives, like youth nights at the masjid, but also educate readers about other faith communities’ celebrations. 

It’s not just Muslim parents who are trying to address this issue. From universities to TV shows, the holiday hoopla has become an increasingly prevalent topic. The Michigan State University Extension has developed a set of guidelines to help parents teach their children about holidays and beliefs other than their own. The guidelines emphasize that people can learn about and respect someone else’s holidays without celebrating them. 

Sesame Street, a show that many of us can remember growing up with, has an episode in which children share the different holidays they celebrate during the winter, including Ramadan, Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah. Even PBS had an article on navigating the “December Dilemma” (2015). These resources are not just for parents and teachers, but for anyone who wants to better understand how to appreciate a holiday without feeling pressured to conform.

Speaking with these families provides a snapshot of the many ways Muslims navigate Christmas and other holidays. While some have incorporated various elements of Christmas into their own celebrations, others have created clear boundaries. As we move forward, let’s work to create an environment that enables us to respect the many ways Muslims deal with the holidays, because there is no one-size-fits-all approach. 

Taskeen Khan has a bachelor’s degree in integrative biology and a minor in sustainability,

energy, and the environment from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She is

passionate about science, communication and research.

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By Shabnam Mahmood

Nov/Dec 2023

In a world of smartphones and tablets, is there any place for handwritten letters? After all, why take the time to write a letter when one click can instantly update friends and family? Keyboards have replaced pen and paper, making the world smaller and closer for many. However, when technology has made so much of our lives easier, one wonders what the trade-off has been. 

How can handwriting a letter benefit today’s tech-savvy world? The lost art of letter-writing has a rich historical significance. For centuries, letters were used to connect with people far away. Letter-writing is good for one’s mental health because it’s a creative act that enables individuals to slow down and organize their thoughts. Through letters, people can narrate experiences, dispute points and describe their emotions in a way that may be difficult to do through an emoji or an abbreviation. 

Despite the rise of digital communication, writing and receiving a handwritten letter can still hold a special place in people’s hearts. It shows that someone has taken out time — one of the most valuable resources today — to remember someone. 

Letter Writing as a Sunna 

Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu’ alayhi wa sallam) sent letters to several leaders of tribes and empires. Zimarina Sarwar writes about the importance of this act in her “Letters from a Prophet” (2023): “Writing a letter is a profoundly spiritual and sacred act. It allows one to process feelings and forces them to think and construct their words. Muslims are sometimes referred to as People of the Pen, skilled in writing and calligraphy, creating exquisite mushaf. Calligraphy is a renowned and celebrated talent, where each pen stroke is drawn along a breath.”  

So is letter writing considered a sunna? Dr. Hafiz Ikhlas Ansari (imam, Muslim Education Center, Morton Grove, Ill.) explains that in a literal sense, letter writing allows one to stay connected with people for good reasons. Spiritually, however, one can also maintain ties with loved ones via phone calls, emails and messages. If the intention is to uphold kinship ties or maintain relationships with friends of deceased parents, any form of communication can be effective by making the right effort. 

But just the feeling of going the extra mile to choose nice stationery, take some time to write neatly, actually put a stamp on the envelope and mailing it at the post office can make the recipient’s day. The recipient may cherish it forever, compared to an Eid Mubarak digital sticker one can send to all of his/her contacts by pressing “Enter.” 

Delayed Gratification

Studies by the National Institutes of Health have shown that excessive use of social media can lead to increased feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression. The constant comparison to others’ curated lives on social media platforms can also lead to decreased self-esteem and confidence among youth. In a world of instant messaging and the expectation of immediate responses, it’s essential to remember the value of delayed gratification. 

There’s something to be said for receiving a handwritten letter filled with words and penmanship mirroring the writer’s emotions. Writing and receiving letters through snail mail can provide a sense of anticipation and excitement, thereby promoting delayed gratification and mindfulness.

Additionally, handwritten letters can be especially beneficial for youth, as they provide a break from technology’s constant stimulation and support mental clarity and focus. Letter writing helps children develop lifelong skills, such as patience, penmanship, sentence-building and maintaining relationships with older community members. 

Parents can find a penpal for their children. Not a random stranger, but perhaps the child of a cousin or friend in a similar age group. They can enjoy writing about their hobbies and activities — and then (gasp!) wait to receive a reply in the mail. 

Can Our Kids Really Write Letters?

Is it realistic, however, to expect our children to learn this skill? “Can adults write a letter these days?” asks Umar Hussain, a teacher at Old Orchard Junior High School in Skokie, Ill. “Then how can we expect kids to? I am a proponent of the benefits of letter writing, but today’s children are ‘digital natives’ and lack the endurance to write a letter.” It’s a challenging but deliberate act of self-reflection, social connection and time commitment. 

Zahra Raza tends to agree. A gifted teacher at Glenview School District, Raza said even her gifted students lack the endurance to write letters. Her class recently participated in the statewide “Letters About Literature” reading and writing competition. Students in grades 4-12 were invited to read a book of their choice, reflect on it and then write a personal letter explaining how it impacted them. Though her students enjoyed the competition aspect, difficulties ranged from formatting and sentence structure to a lack of interest in the book. Despite that, most of them were passionate about the actual letter-writing activity, while others, mainly on IEPs and 504 plans, relied on their iPads’ writing apps to help them. 

Raza admits that although there are practical challenges, writing letters has numerous benefits for children and adults. “I feel students value it if they understand how to do it.” Letter writing is a skill. “I like handwriting to develop those fine motor skills, but I do think that’s something that’s slowly being faded away.” She incorporates handwriting and typing in her class, starting with handwriting notes but eventually typing the final assignment. However, many schools have also stopped teaching cursive handwriting.

Both Raza and Hussain agree that good writing stems from reading. “Reading is not a lost cause,” says Hussain. “Books are either mirrors or windows.” He has seen a shift toward graphic novels, which is less mental lifting but still beneficial. “The amount of words you’re exposed to is like nothing else. Students read and retain the number of words to recall when writing. Reading builds stamina for writing.”

However, even his students need help with long-form writing. With text messages, they rely on responses to clarify their meaning. With letters, you don’t have that crutch.  

Emojis and Abbreviations

Parents of preteens or teens would likely agree that text messages are only complete with emojis or abbreviations. Who hasn’t seen a BTW (by the way), or LOL (laugh out loud) on a daily basis? Businesses aren’t immune either. EOD (end of day), ASAP (as soon as possible) and TIA (thanks in advance) are more commonplace now. And even iA (In Sha’ Allah)!

But it’s not all new. Hussain points out that even hieroglyphics were images, some representing sounds and other meanings used to communicate. “Yes, you lose an amount of expression, but it’s the natural course of language.” With truncated messaging, communication has indeed evolved. 

While we cannot expect all communication to be handwritten anymore, an occasional handwritten letter or card to a grandparent or teacher is definitely worth the effort. Taking a little personal time to collect one’s thoughts and penning them down pays homage to the rich traditions of our past — and can benefit the mind, body, and soul.

Shabnam Mahmood is a freelance writer and educational consultant in Chicago.

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